Depression, Suicide

Stressed Out!!!

I haven’t been posting lately because I’ve been stressed & depressed lately.

My landlord has threatened to evict me because she doesn’t like the way my curtains hang on the rod.

I have an open swag at the top, to let light in when they’re closed. That way nosiey neighbors can’t look in on me, but I still get some daylight. Plus I can watch the clouds float by, on my bad days. The only rule in the policy about curtains is that they have to be white, which they are. Now mind you, other tenants are allowed to have other colored curtains on their windows though & nothing is said to them. Let me also tell you my curtains have hung this way for 3yrs & I also have sheers up too.

This landlord also tried to tell me my dog was due for his rabies shot, back in April. She got really mad & hateful with me when I tried to explain to her that he had a 3yr rabies, as she was walking away from me.

Lately it has been impossible for me to have a civil conversation with this landlord. Every time I try to talk to her, she either interrupts me, or just walks away from me. She has, at times, told me I’m argumentation, when I ask a question when she contradicts herself.

Though I feel she is being unreasonable & unfair in her enforcement on policy with me, while others have her permission to break policy. I’ve never felt I’ve ever treated her with the kind of disrespect that others have, or that she has been towards me. I’m really at a loss of what to do here.

To top things off, my re-certification is coming up in a couple of weeks. I’m really expecting a letter that says she isn’t going to re-certify me now. My lease will be up in Feb (if I get that long).

So, I’m trying to go threw the proper channels of low income housing to move now. Which they are telling me now, I have to re-apply for housing assistance. Who knows how long that will take? I may not have that kind of time, if my lease runs out first. Course none of this is going to matter, if my current landlord doesn’t re-certify me, I won’t be able to get assistance. So I could be looking at homelessness soon.

I have been so stressed out with these worries that I can’t think straight. Not to mention, unable to eat or sleep much either. I’m trying desperately to find something to hang on to for my survival & sanity of mind, as I’m loosing faith in humanity.

The weight of my depression has me bogged down to the point I no longer get dressed right now, or even want to get out of bed. I have come to the point, that it’s more of a comfort to live in my memories. I’m so tired of fighting to just survive anymore. I’m tired of saying everything is fine, when really it isn’t. Poverty & life has beaten me.

My will to live is slipping away from me, & I’m not sure I even care anymore. I’m ready for my lupus to end things for me. Maybe my lupus will be kind to me, & release me.


23 thoughts on “Stressed Out!!!

  1. Hi there. Thank you for your like over at …. I really like your blog – lovely to have found you 🙂 Hang in there sister – you’ve got people who love you already and we don’t even know you….much love, Rebecca

    • Thank you for your comment. I started this blog just to voice my thoughts, feelings, worries. I never expected to get any followers. But I have meet so may wonderful people, who understand me, & helped me in so many ways with their companion, warm hearts, wisdom, advice, & just letting me be heard.

  2. Your landlord is horrible. I would find that terribly stressful.

    It is so ridiculous to nit pick people to death like that. The only purpose can be to torment you.

    If there are any violations on her part that you are aware of…maybe keep a written record for yourself. It will give you some way of defending yourself if she does try to evict you.

    Any infractions against her end of the lease, any legal violations you observe. Just keep your eyes open.

    I imagine she is taking short cuts and violating things somewhere.

    • Your right it is very stressful. I’m starting to develop anxiety so bad that I throw up leaving my apartment, when she’s on the property. She has started ambushing me when I take my dog out to pee now too. She’s got me afraid to even open my curtains when she’s here.
      I’ve been documenting her inability to do her job for 3 summers now. So I’ve got plenty on her.
      I really feel like she’s harassing me, since she is letting others break her policies. She really gets pissed at me when I bring it to her attention too.
      But her biggest offense is she is letting a convicted felon live here, while his on parole. He has several felonies for burglary & theft, which my apartment was one of.
      I have also done an internet search for pro-bono & free legal aid. I’m starting to think I’m being discriminated against at this point.

      • I am sorry this situation has gotten so bad. There are certain people these narcissists are drawn to target …and you and I are them. There are things about our personality that they not only see as easy to target but that they really dislike.

        I think they hate people with above average compassion and empathy. It is like they want to torture it out of us. Also they hate people that communicate with genuine communication…but on the other hand I wonder how they would react if we suddenly began to play their gaslighting games back,,,,such as remembering things in a way that we choose to remember them….writing our own reality.

        Wishing you peace of mind,

      • You are so right about everything you said. It has my experience that our genuine compassion makes them feel threatened for some reason.
        Though I don’t like to do this, I have found that using their tactics against them, has helped sometimes. Plus I record all conversations with them, just to remind them of their own words. Really makes them mad when you have all that proof of their deceit & cruel ways.
        I’m doing a little better. I’ve just had to face the fact that this landlord is going to do everything in her power to make me homeless now. I will try to fight it as best I can.
        Thanks so much for all of your kind words & support. You have been a light in some of my darkest hours. ♥

  3. I am currently worrying about low income housing. My dad is letting me stay here rent free as I don’t get enough from SSDI for housing and once he passes I need somewhere to go and I don’t know the procedures to go about finding low income housing and weather I can afford it. I have nothing left over each month and that is without rent and utilities.

    I hope you don’t have to look for a new place and they sound demanding places as well. I am used to doing what I want to so.

    • I have to found this one pretty demanding, but she is also a narcissists, with a very big god ego. I didn’t start having problems with her until I started to question her lies.
      If your use to running your own life & want to keep your privacy, try to do a rent voucher, with a private landlord. Public housing, means everyone runs your life & what they think is best for you. Plus if you don’t fit in with the rest of the neighbors, they will do what ever it takes to try to get rid of you. Plus where I’m at, is more of a slum, roaches, criminals, toxic mold, & unhealthy furnace.
      I’m still learning as I go. They make the process difficult & very time consuming at best. Learn as much as you can before you really need it, so you can make the best choices for yourself. Good luck.

      • I don’t want to scare you about it. Believe it or not there are some really good people in public housing too, but they’re rare, & mostly stay inside. That’s just been my personally experience with it. I’m trying to save money, so I can get out. It’s becoming mentally stressful & worse for my health now. I would swear that public housing is a good cause of mental illness, pts, & thieves. People can only take so much oppression, before they loose it & snap. I also understand why some people choose homelessness instead now.
        Good luck in your search. I hope you do better than I did.

      • I am terrified of the whole process, not just where I might land. I hope my kids come up with some kind of ideas to keep me out of there.

  4. Your landlord has to re-certify you? I’ve never heard of that before. What does the landlord have to certify? That you live there? That you pay your rent? I’m confused… But I understand the fear of being homeless. I’m always waiting for Social Security to cut off my disability benefits.

    Maybe you should direct your landlord to the Americans With Disabilities Act and tell her she is in violation of it. You don’t have to be specific, but maybe she needs some fear to do her job. And stop trying to be nice to her — with some people, that just doesn’t work. I know it’s hard to transfer your fear and depression into anger, but you know this isn’t right.

    I’ll just say it: Your landlord is a freaking bitch. Document as much as you can, even notes on your conversations, and report her to the agency that you’re working with. There are also places online where you can find reviews for apartments, and if you feel like it, you could post what’s happening to you to warn others.

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