I hope one day you will understand the things I’m going to tell you.
You were proteced from your mother’s rage & anger far more than you know. You see mother made you & your brother my responsibility, since I was the oldest. So things that you two did, I was blamed & punished for, more times than not.
Not once did I ever blame you or use it against you for the burden mother made me carry because of you or brother’s actions.
I never turned you away from my arms when your tears of pain or sorrow were inflected upon you by mother. It always broke my heart that she did it to you. It also made me angry that a mother could hurt her own child that way & not care. I never wanted you to have to feel that kind of hurt. As far as I’m concerned being a single parent is no excuse for not hugging your kids & telling them you love them either. That is the cruelest hurt for any child.
My idea of a good mother is one of nurturing, sacrifice yourself for the child’s needs, giving comfort, protect them so they feel safe & loved. Helping them to grow into good compassionate human beings & fulfill their dreams. Part of being a mother is to soothe & give comfort to a child’s sorrow, not be the cause of it. I know you may not see it now, but I tried to give all of that to you.
You really have no idea of how may sacrifices or choices I have made in my life, for the siblings that I would do anything to keep safe & happy. My only reward & joy was to see the smile on your face & know in that brief moment you had some joy & happiness.
I know it hurts you that I can’t give the traits of a mother’s love anymore. So next time you need a shoulder to cry on, you will have to go to your mother. As you have often said, I’m not your mother. So it’s time I stop acting like it. But I will always be your sister & a part of your life, as much as you will allow me to be.
I remember you once said that I read to you because mother read to me. The truth is I don’t ever remember mother reading to me. I remember how special it made me feel when a teacher at school read to the class. I wanted you to have that feeling too. I wish I could of had someone that I could of leaned on threw the tuff times in my life, like you have had.
You also said mother didn’t have to let me come back home. What would you of done if I would of said no when you wanted to stay with me that summer or when you & your husband stayed with me? As I remember, I hadn’t been a part of the family for very long, before I was asked to make a sacrifice in my life for you. But you see, with my mother’s heart, it was never a matter of if you would need a place to go, but when.
What if I’d of gone to live with my Dad when brother did? Maybe I could of helped him make that transition better, & we would of never come back. But I stayed because you needed me. I can say that when you treat me the same way mother does, I wish I would of done that. I can see now that you clearly don’t appreciate the choices you had because someone loves you. Choices that I never had.
Funny, but I remember a time when you yourself wanted nothing to do with mother. What if I hadn’t encouraged you to come back to the family. Maybe then I could of been the only child. Maybe mother would of loved me too.
So I guess in a round about way you could say you have a relationship with your mother because I helped make it so. I could of gone on letting you be angry with her forever. I also think you would treat me better if you weren’t so influenced by mother.
I also don’t want you to be confused on my choice for not buying a house. I had several operatunaties, on my own, to own a home, including the house in Whitehall. I also remember you telling me that the loan person told you that I could of easily gotten a loan on my own. So you are only fooling yourself if you think I’m holding some grudge towards you for it, because I didn’t really need your help to get out of my apartment as you seem to think. Quite the opposite was true, I liked my apartment.
I tell you all this because one day you will see the truth for yourself. Your version of hell is yet to begin with mother. I hope your emotionally strong enough to survive the emotional & psychological torture she will have in store for you.
As she gets older her anger & rage will be more often & more easily triggered. You will be the only one she can take it out on. I can only hope that you’ll be ready for the sadistic, cruelty she will inflict upon you for the choices she made in her life. So don’t lose sight of the respect you think she deserves, as she lies, manipulates, disrespects you, & trys to control you. After all as mother, gives her every right to treat you like less than dog shit.
Ironically, as I’ve watched you grow into a woman, I see you become more like mother. You have a long way to go before you reach her level of cruelty. But I’m sure with time & practice, you’ll get there if that’s what you want. I will admit that as I see you behave, as she does to me does make it easier for me to return the same cruelty, that I learned from her too. So when you look at her, know that her influence reflects on ever relationship you have in your life, including ours. I find it sad for you, that you made the choice to be just like her when you were shown the difference.
The narcissism mother taught me says, my life would have been very different if you hadn’t been born. As your life would of been very different if my heart was half as cruel as her’s was to me. You are so quick to point out the things mother didn’t have to do for me that you have lost sight of all the things I didn’t have to do for you but did out of my love for you. How would your life of been so different if I had only cared about myself & turned you away in your pain or need?
I also find it ironic when mother tells me she wants you & me to be closer. Than does everything she can to sabotage it because she feels threatened by the closeness we had & her own fears of intimacy. Because we use to be closer before she influenced you so much.
I know right now your angry at me. Trust me when I say that there is nothing you can say or do that can hurt me, that mother hasn’t already done to me. I was her first target of neglect & abuse. And because she made you my responsibility, I took it for choices you made & far longer than you know for too.
You don’t have to be honest with me unless you seriously want a relationship. But please be honest with yourself, because that only hurts you. Besides, I’m use to mother lying to me, so yours are nothing more than an extension of hers.
I know everything your going threw with your emotions. I know those feelings of guilt for not loving her because of the way she treats you. I know the emptiness inside you & your search to fulfill it, from lack of being loved. I know your eternal hope & desire for her blessings & validation to make you feel wanted & worthy. Because I had them long before you did, & so did your brother. That’s the legacy your mother gave you.
You, your brother, & me have always deserved better than mother was ever been willing to give us. We all deserved to be loved.
I don’t expect you to understand or even care that I need to make myself a priority now. Quite honestly, I can’t remember anyone ever caring about me or my feelings.
But no matter what, I will always love you, little sister. You will always be my baby girl, that I never had. I can only hope that one day her voice in your head will not influence you so much. Maybe some day we can rebuild our relationship on a more respectful, & mature, adult level, for both of us.
Thoughts by Naomi