My birthday is nex week. I’m not really sure how I feel about it this year. Most years, it’s just another day that doesn’t mean much of anything, or a day of reflection.
I remember one birthday as a child that I was aloud to have my first & only slumber party. Since I didn’t have many, if any, friends in grade school, it was hard for me to find some other girls to invite in the first place. But I did manage to find 2 or 3 girls who said yes to my invitation.
I guess it was a typical party. We did the typical little girl stuff. I mostly remember all the fear & anxiety I felt when my guest wouldn’t settle down to go to sleep because we were keeping my nm (narcissist mother) awake. I laid awake until all my guest fell asleep, so I could keep them & me out of trouble with nm. Overall it was the most stressful birthday I’d ever had in my life. Which I heard about from nm the following day.
Being as I did most of the cooking in my family, I did the birthday cakes, including my own.
On my 18th birthday, my gc (golden child) sister made me a birthday cake. That was the best gift I ever got, since my birthday was rarely celebrated at all.
Of course nm was mad at me because I came home around midnight. I choose to celebrate my birthday with my boyfriend & my girlfriend & her boyfriend that year. After 17yrs of my birthday meaning nothing to my family, I had no reason to believe my 18th birthday would be any different. So I made my own plans that year.
I do remember telling my gc sister how much her making me a cake meant to me.
I have been lc (limited contact) with my family for 2yrs now. Even though nm still has my email address & phone number, like most of my birthdays, I hear nothing from her or my gc sister. Last year, when I turned 50, nm sent me an e-mail, which I haven’t opened. She only sent it because my 50th birthday made her feel old & not because she really cares anything about me. You may ask why I didn’t open her e-mail. Why would I want to read her lies on my birthday? Why would I volunteer to be treated like I’m less than garbage? Maybe someday when I’m done healing from her cruelty, I’ll read it, but I highly doubt it.
So what will I do for my special day? I don’t really know. It’s hard to imagine it’s really all that special after years of being invisible in your own family.
Thoughts by Naomi