This year Thanksgiving was harder than the rest.
Eight years ago, my little brother passed away. I miss him everyday.
Thanksgiving was the last time we had a close bonding conversation. He wanted to get a couple of things off his chest before he died. So always being the big sister, I was honored to listen to what he had to say.
He told me he wasn’t going to make it to Christmas, due to his deteriorating illness. Which I told him I knew.
He told me that when he died he wanted me to have his dog. He didn’t want his dog going to our younger sister because she had an unstable home life. Plus he didn’t feel comfortable with his dog going to the nudest campgrounds, that our sister visited. I told him that I had already made plans to have his dog by already finding a vet & dog park in my area. That seemed to put his mind at ease.
I was the one he trusted to talk to about dying, or anything else for that matter. Me having an autoimmune disease also made him feel safer to talk too.
I was the lucky & only one that got to tell him how much I loved him. I also told him I didn’t want him to go but I knew he was tired of fighting his illness.
I came away that day feeling sad that my brother was going to die soon. But I also felt honored that he trusted me to have the thing he loved the most, his dog. I also felt honored that he trusted me, more than anyone else in the family, to tell me goodbye.
He gave me more love & validation in that one conversation than I had ever gotten from a family member. He made me feel all those choices I made in my life to be there for him, in our horrible & abusive childhood, was worth everything sacrifice I made. I tried so hard for him to feel loved, especially since we didn’t get that from our NM.
So, yes I have his dog, which has been a joy in my life everyday. Though his older now & can’t do long walks or the dog park anymore, I’m so glad to have him. Every time I look at him, I think of my brother & how much he loved his dog. I’m so blessed to be a part of that in a small way. The closeness that my brother, his dog, & I share is like a secret that only we know.
My brother’s dog & the love of my life.
Thoughts by Naomi