She is a special lady, with her own brand of hell.
My mother was always quick to tell me how much electricity, rent money & food I cost her. She made sure I knew how horrible her life was, because she got pregnant with me. I was always aware of how much of a burden I was to her & unwanted. There was very little hugging or ” I love you “. So, I learned early in life to stay away from her as much as I could because she was always angry & taking it out on me verbally & physically as I got older. Even as an adult.
So when I was molested by a family member’s partner, I already knew it was my fault. Since I’d already been called a whore, among other names, by my mother. I had no one to turn to. I was well trained that I wasn’t a person. I was only the property of those older than me. They could do whatever, whenever they wanted to me. Since I was a nobody, a nothing, I had no say.
I was raised where you couldn’t voice your thoughts, opinions, feelings, or dreams out loud because they would be used against you.
When some people saw me as quiet, withdrawn, & anti-social, it was really the only way I knew to not be abused. Since I was often punished for things others said or did.
Amongst all the threats, crazy-making, manipulation, lying, rage outburst, controlling, & abuse by proxy, there was all kinds of emotional neglect, verbal, psychological, & physical abuse. As with all abusers, they show the outside world their charm. While behind closed doors there is constant anger, rage & fear.
You see, my mother is a psychopath, narcissist, with Narcissist Personality Disorder. So not all mothers deserve their children or are worthy of the honor of being called mother. I wish mine would of left me on someone else’s doorstep. At least I would of had a better chance of being loved.
I don’t post this for your pity. I post this because I no longer wish to hide the shame & guilt of the one person that created the environment in which I grew up in, & thought I was suppose to be able to trust to love me & keep me safe. As an adult, I no longer take responsibility or blame for her choices in life or her happiness. Those things are her demons, & no longer mine. It’s long overdue for her to be responsible for her own choices & actions, as an adult.
Though I know, from experience, that my relationship with my mother will not change, nor will I no longer be allowed or excepted to be a part of the family. Due to her silent treatment over my freedom of speech about the abuse & lack of respect for me. It is what it is. It takes two people to make a relationship. I’d rather be who I want to be on my own, than be someone I’m not, for someone to accept me. Nor can I lose a mother’s love, that I never had to begin with. I never thought it was to much to ask, to be loved, as a human being.
In her smear campaign to portray me as crazy, & insane to family & friends, to justify her own actions & get your sympathy. I know she does that with everyone & she has no empathy for others. She will smile to your face, while she’s sharpening the knife to stick in your back. We are all sub-servants to a narcissist. For they are true predators, looking for the next victim, to feed their own self worth.
What I do find interesting is how much research is finding auto-immune dieses, depression, & several other health issues are or can be a result of childhood trauma & abuse.
My mother taught me how to be hyper vigilante to her moods, so I could protect myself from her. I learned my independence from having no one I could trust. I was taught by the best how to be cold hearted, hateful, shelfish, cruel to others & lie. Thank God, I’m nothing like her. But you could say I learned her narcissism to protect myself & survive her & her abuse.
It’s a sad thing when a child finds more comfort in the kindness of strangers, than the mother that they’re suppose to be able to trust & feel safe with. Maybe that’s why we have so many missing children in this world. What does it say about you, when your children would rather be in their room alone, than be with you? No child should have to live in fear of a parent.
Thoughts by Naomi